hi so yk how i said im going to my uncles a few days ago? well actually that was today. didnt spend too mcuh time talking abt shcool thankfully, but there were so many awkward moments. luckliy i didint get embarassed but yeah. also i learned that mu uncle isnt the most open nor closed minded about lgbtq+ ppl. like yes he says theres "more sexes than there needs to be" but he doesnt completely reject it and label it as unnatural and bad. so thats something and he doenst really talk to us (me and my sisters) that much so he was asking us questions so that he can know us better. one of them was like who we're attracted to................ he assumed men since were all females and i didnt deny and so yeah he thinks im straight but thats a good thing, i hadnt come out the rest of my family who was also sitting at the table w us. also this is the FIRST time i heard him ever even talk about gender or sexuality so that was weird, but its good to know what he thinks i guess. it seems him and my aunt arent really concerned about it, they dont get it but they arent against it. he brought up this guy on tv he watches whos also queer and i think thats what made him think about it. the person is wayne brady who came out as pansexual. my mother who is uh against it (but also has not had a strong opinion on anything ever) asked what pansexual means lmao. i didnt want to explain it even tho im the only person at the table whos queer (or at least knows theyre queer) cuz i feel like that would somehow give me away a little bit so instead my older sister chimed in and gave a wrong definition. not the "tehyre attracted to pans" thing, but she basically mixed up what the difference is between bi and pan. so yeah. and then my aunt said like some weird words for transgender? like it wasnt slurs afaik but like trans- and then some scientific word idk. by the way, my grandparents were born in the 50s so for someone born in the 50s theyre not the worst i guess, better than some kids at my school but yeah liek i said, they just dont get it. it was pretty considerate of him to ask though, like being open to the idea of one of us being queer. that means a lot. ofc my older sister started saying thinsg about how some kids are gay because they are and others are just "being convinced into being gay by social media" and thats quite an accusation abt ppl u dont even know, im sure it happens where people say they are what they arent because they want to be like others but nobody whos genuinely gay is gay because theyre convinced to be that way by social media and idk why that phenomenon is always brought up in conversations abt queer ppl, at least in my experience. anyway, that was my whole day, just hanging out with my uncle, aunt, mom, sisters, and cousin. my uncles somewhat an inspirational man, like when im there i think about like going and freelancing websites but on the way home, i also really feel the perfectionist bug. at this moment in time, my grades are up, im ahead in my classes, i even wrote an essay yesterday. but i still am not at peace, im still in fear of failure, as soon as there is 1 overdue, its not "youre doing good", its "youre doing bad" its like a traffic light, there is no "but you did so good on these" its either i do good everywhere or else im doing bad and its a red light. in other news, i really want to get a guestbook, theres like? 8k views?? why are so many people looking.. so talk to me, lmk what u think,, when i get a guestbook!! which i hope is soon. i have this new thing im doing where when i have extra time between classes, i spend the time coding so that yk, im doing something to excersie my brain. going on social media and stuff is more of a reward and a distraction. but with coding i can use my brain more and write notes for where i leave off so yeah i think its a good system, just hope i stick to it and dont get sick of coding and get idea blocked. ALSO. this blog is so long i already know BUT someone just sent me a post on insta and its someone i met over a year ago at the local fair and basically tehy didnt like my music taste and we didnt really hit it off so we talked for a day and dropped it LMAO but TEHY JUST SENT ME A POST? AFTER SO LONG? IM SCARED TO LOOK. WHY???? okay so i looked and apparnetly theyve been senidng me things for a whlie now that i havent been seeing but this was a capybara post. inchresting okay well i gtg now im getting sleepy bye!